[Journal] 29 December 2013

Just finished a recording session the day before. It was fun, it was a blast, and I can’t wait to hear the results on air.

At the same time we exchanged gifts for post-Christmas. It’s actually my first time buying a present for anyone in my 22 years of life, so it was very difficult thinking of something to buy. In the end I went with something practical enough which I believe would be of use. At least the recipient was okay with it!

There’s this fuzzy feeling of receiving presents from others despite it being a really simple present. I guess that’s why people like to exchange gifts during this festive season, huh?

It’s all these simple, small things in life that make a seemingly dull, boring life a vibrant one. Here’s hoping for another vibrant year ahead, in 2014.

[Journal] 27 December 2013

Just 4 days to 2014.

Tomorrow I’m going to be recording a radio show with a group of individuals sharing the same interests as me. Can’t wait, for it has been a long time since I did a recording and it was a fun experience to boot.

With just 4 days to go to the new year though, it’s that time of year when people begin to wrap up the year, post stuff, do stuff and all that. No different from me. Guess I’ll do that on the last day of the year.

Nowadays when I go to sleep after doing pretty much nothing, many things run through my head. Like why I didn’t do anything, what I could’ve done. But lost time is like spilled water – I can only keep looking forward to the next day.

[Journal] 23 December 2013

Back from camp for a few days now.

It was a nightmare for the first two days, struggling to adapt and eat and all that bullshit. THANKFULLY, my spirits crumbled on the evening of the second night and it was smooth sailing from then on.

During this course of five days of being away, I learned quite a bit from the people around me and from myself.

I learned tolerance. Loads of it. Being a non-smoker, having smoke drift into the bunk I slept in was torturous, but hey, a smoker’s gotta smoke. While it was difficult, I was very happy to actually experience a smoker closing the window for me to prevent the smoke from entering. Just this small act itself proved to me that there are still responsible smokers out there. This small action really left an impression on my mind.

I learned that the only battle I’m fighting is the one against myself. Often, I ask “should I say ?” or “should he know about ?” It’s always a constant struggle, especially when I’m at my lower points, trying to adapt and take in everything that’s around me. In the end, I proved to myself in more than one way how I could push myself from where I stood. Stepping out is never easy, and for me, I need a shove to realize that it really isn’t all that bad.

I suppose, the most important thing learned, is how much having people around helps. Sometimes it does get pretty lonely in the life I lead, barely interacting with anyone. It’s nice to always speak to people about my troubles, although I’m not entirely sure if I spoke to the right people.

Moving forward, I only look forward to strengthening myself both physically and mentally in the new year. There’s so much I want to do and achieve. I want to prove many things to myself. Most importantly, I want to prove that I can excel over who I currently am.

[Journal] 15 December 2013

Decided against transferring contents from my written journal for now since I’m not sure if it’s the best way to restart my blogging.

Anyway, tomorrow through Friday I won’t be around at home. The nation calls for me… Don’t really feel much this time although my worries are in the back of my mind. I don’t like making people worry, so I don’t say much.

After a while it gets tiring to keep everything bottled up, that’s why I express myself on a journal/blog when I can. It just sucks that I’m always this guy that worries about things before they happen, but hey, a week away from home is still quite significant for me. Hopefully all goes well.

When I return I’m going to look forward to doing many, many things. Things I have never really done of my own accord. Things I should have done that many do in their daily life but I don’t. Sometimes staying at home gets tiring, too. Guess I’m at that stage.

Just hope I’ll return home safe and sound.

Continuing the Timeline

As always I die in web blogging because of how I keep transiting between written journals to not writing any, to finding motivation to write.

This is probably the one thing I’ll hold myself to, to continue blogging. Unfortunately it’s just going to be my daily life, as if people are going to be interested in that.

But I do need an outlet to express myself. Thankfully, I type fast, so long ass stories can be completed way quicker when I type than when I write.

I’ll probably transfer all my stuff from my written journal over tomorrow.

Torn

Recently, I’ve been flooded with thoughts. I’ve never had it as intense as this occurrence, whereby I’ll suddenly turn very solemn and start thinking about multiple issues.

I feel as though I’m being torn from inside. I want to ask for help, yet I find it hard to speak out the words I want to say. I don’t wish to burden anyone, yet I want to find someone who can shoulder this burden with me. Not as an intimate relationship, mind. Just a platonic one.

I can still go to sleep fine, but I seem to keep thinking of several things over, and over, and over again. It just never seems to end. I start asking myself questions like:

– Why do I exist?
– What purpose do I serve?
– Am I going to pull through the many difficulties I face currently?
– How do I go on… from here?

I question myself, with no answers. I may look cheery alright, but that has always been how I used to hide that emptiness inside.

I have few friends, probably none are very close to me. I’m supposing it’s because of the way I act and react to situations. How I attempt to resolve troubles of mine. How I don’t interact with people, because I am just that passive.

I keep seeing myself walking a road that only leads to destruction, or one that has no good end. Sometimes, I wonder why I’ve had to cope, and still am coping, with so many issues of mine. Sometimes, I would imagine the scenario if these issues never existed — perfect bliss. As if true happiness came along. But that’s just a false reality.

I know, everyone has their issues to cope with. I just find that I’m being pushed often to the limits of my troubles, trying to wiggle my way out of it, trying to not get crushed by all these sad times. I want to be a happy person, inside and out. I’m the latter, not the former.

I tell myself, “Never stop giving up, because you do not know till you try”. Then I try. I succeed, I begin to get hopeful. Then I falter when I see that my further attempts become futile. …Is it really that difficult, just to have a proper meal outside, among the crowd in the canteen?

I envy everyone who can do so. Every time I get asked to eat with them, I politely reject. It is not because I don’t want to. I do, but… I can’t. My heart sinks a little each time people ask me out to eat, whether family or friends. I find it hard to tell my family, especially, straight up I have this issue. I feel as if I’ll just be passing even more troubles to them.

I tell myself, “There’s always going to be a better tomorrow”. But to be truthful to myself, I do not see that. I procrastinate. I fall back down and question why I am trying so hard. I feel consumed by everything that happens.

All the joy… all the fun I see in college students, I don’t see in me. The only thing I see in me is a person who wishes to study, go home, and be with myself. I have lost the motivation to try to make friends, becoming completely passive.

I tear sometimes, before I sleep, because I see how sad a life I’m living. A life full of half-truths, where I cannot fully tell people what I want to say, especially to the ones closest to me. I fear rejection. I don’t want to cause hurt, but I hurt myself in the process.

How many more “next times” will there be in my life? I have missed out on almost 8 years of social activity, becoming someone who is so withdrawn.

I’m starting to see the consequences of past events that have come back to haunt me. It feels as if everything is just coming at me at once… That pain, all the heartache, all the depressing thoughts… I find it hard to shake it off. Not this time.

I won’t turn depressed, I’m sure of that. After all, music has always been there to pull me through. The many songs, the different lyrics that seem to relate to you so well. For that I am grateful, for I have found myself completely absorbed in the music, just to drown these thoughts for that short while.

So many times, as I typed this, I could feel as if tears were going to blur my vision. But I hold them back. So many times, I’ve paused while typing, thinking about every single word I’ve typed down… thinking about how pathetic of a person I am. I seem to be going nowhere, and I seem to be walking on the spot all this while.

Yes, people tell me not to worry too much, because most of these worries won’t come true. This time, it’s not the case. I don’t worry about anything. I see only a blank of what’s ahead of me, because I feel as though the path I’ll travel down will be the same as I have for the past years… yet I cringe when I think about that. I don’t want it to stay the same. I need to change, yet I don’t know how.

That feeling of being lost… being torn… have you felt it before? I know I’ve never felt it as bad as I am now, and I’m just staring blankly, trying to sort my thoughts, but it never seems to work.

As I head to bed, I wonder if I can fall asleep. I wish miracles would happen, that tomorrow, I suddenly have a normal life, eating happily with friends on the same table, no reservations. Chatting with them… feeling like I’m finally there, and not a shadow for once. But miracles don’t happen. I have to work for it. Yet it gets so hard… so many times…

To anyone who has read till this far, I thank you, and apologize for taking so much of your time, but I appreciate it. I guess all of us just need to navigate our way out of this mess one way or another sometimes without guidance, huh? I just don’t know how long more I can last, but I’ll continue treading on.

A Lifeless Core

So it’s almost halfway through the semester now, and things are heating up. All the work to do, all the projects and research to be done… it’s rather insane sometimes, to be honest.

I’m lacking sleep, having to rush out work and all that and am really, really looking forward to the break coming in a few days time.

Doing work on and on and on like that feels so… boring. So lifeless. Sure I like to challenge myself and answer some tough questions, but there’s only so much before boredom and worse, agony (from all the work) sets in. How I wish for a more slow paced life. Sometimes I get lost in what I’m really trying to aim for in the future. Losing sight just isn’t an option sometimes.