Journal Entry #9

Switching to numbers now that I know dates can be so easily seen.

You know that moment of time when you gain inspiration or motivation from others, without them even knowing? Yeah, I’m having one of those moments.

I’ve always been drifting along, riding the waves and seeing where it took me. After such a long time, I’ve come to see that there’s many, many things I’ve missed.

To get in touch with the people I’ve not spoken to is akin to getting in touch with my past. There’s nothing left in the past, and I can only keep moving forward.

People say, or at least I say, that we are the consequences of our action. I’m living proof. So many immature things done, so many wrong actions that I’ve come to understand and learn from. I’ve lost many parts of socializing. I’ve lost what it means to be a ‘friend’ to someone. I don’t know if I’m a friend to someone or just someone they speak to for work purposes.

But still, I’ll keep fighting. This year is for me to prove to myself that I can be someone I never once was. I eagerly wait to see the end, but that will take time and effort. Effort from my side. I gotta work hard.


[Journal] 28 January 2014

So I just realized you can clearly see the date right above the title, so I really didn’t need to type the date again. Oops.

Anyway, today was the day I poured my darker side to a few friends I met online. They are one heck of an amazing bunch of people, and it’s really surprising how fast I let down my walls and told them things I’ve never told anyone else.

Sure, there’s always the “don’t talk to strangers” thing. But not this case. It’s so easy to talk to them, so open and ready to hear what each other has to say. Poking fun at them is returned only with hearty laughs or more poking and no resentment is present.

That’s what I’d want to seek in physical life, but I wonder, how easy is it for me to find people such as these?

[Journal] 25 January 2014

I just returned from a radio recording and am pretty beat. I should’ve been asleep two and a half hours ago. The recording was a blast though; really enjoyed it.

These few days I’ve been involved in psychological studies. Through these studies I’ve realized how dissatisfied with my life I am. Thing is, I think I knew it in my mind for a long time now, but I’ve just never really given it much thought. These studies just brought these thoughts out onto pen and paper, and it really shows.

I know, people will tell me how I should be content with my life and all that. I agree. I really do. But there’s always the desire to be a better person from who you currently are, no? Being satisfied with your life is something difficult to attain, especially when we keep searching for that one thing we wish to get.

Outside, I may seem like just another carefree, laidback person. I probably am, somewhat, but I too, don’t find satisfaction in the life I lead. I want to change it.

There are so many things I can control or work on to improve myself, and that’s what I will keep doing this year and the many years to follow.

It’s just that sometimes, even the most trivial things can add up to your dissatisfaction. A lack of a personal bedroom, which gives rise to many things such as personal space, privacy and all those. Sure, I’ll keep holding it in. I’m not one to voice dissatisfaction to anyone, because I don’t like to create unnecessary conflict.

Then when you actually bottle so many other issues up, trivial matters piling on up to one another, you just get overwhelmed by unhappiness every once in a while. I suppose my cheerful facade is here to stay for a long time.

No one I can really reliably speak to of every single thing in my life. Not a single person. The pain of bottling everything up is hard to take, but if I’ve taken so much, I think I can continue holding it in.

When people tell you “I know you very well” they really don’t. They don’t unless you’ve interacted with them so much, and there’s so much trust that you spill all your secrets out. That is when you truly know someone well. Not just the person’s birthday, his/her favorite hangouts/people/food. Those are trivial as compared to matters of the heart.

Then we have family, the ones that raised us. The fear of hurting them completely shuts the possibility of saying anything. I’d say many things, but when I step back, I realize how each of these can potentially hurt them to the point of no return. I don’t want that. I fear for that to happen, so I’ll keep many things a secret.

They may not understand, but sometimes, I’d rather they not understand. Sometimes, I’d want them to understand that not knowing anything is probably a safer option, both for me and for them.

I’ll continue bottling things up until I can truly find that one being out there I can speak my troubles to. Until then, there’s really only myself.

…and I just ranted so much. Ah, the wonders of the night. It really makes you reflect upon yourself and give you the silence you need to focus your thoughts and spill them out isn’t it? Not like the hustle and bustle of life in the day.

[Journal] January 21, 2014

Didn’t really have anything to talk about the past few weeks.

Recently I’ve been more motivated to do things. More motivated to try things out. Maybe this is because it’s the first two weeks of college and things are looking to be both a challenge yet something fun to be learned at the same time.

I think one part of me is trying to stick to old routines. The other part is trying to get away from that and do something new. With so much motivation for me, I do hope I can push myself to break past limits and achieve more than what I thought I could.

I already can feel how tiring it’s going to be though. Shall get through this, as I always have.

[Journal] 2013 – It’s A Wrap!

Time flies, and this year it’s no different. It truly doesn’t feel like another year has passed although it has.

In an entire year, I realized a few things, both of myself and of other people. With these knowledge in mind, I hope to progress into 2014 a better man that will continue to push boundaries of my comfort zone.

1. No one comes to you, until you go to them – Experienced first hand. I suppose learning about how I functioned helped me approach people for assistance and all, but there is always that tiny bit of hesitation. Ego? Unnecessary worry? I don’t know, but I do want to work on this in the next year. No one knows what you’re going through, except yourself. If you can communicate with yourself, then the next step is to communicate with others to let them know what’s going on.

Similarly, it works for normal interaction. It’s unfortunate I’m usually sought for only for work purposes, but that’s probably partially my fault too since I don’t seem like a sociable person. But no, if you speak to me, I’ll gladly return the gesture. Yet I guess years of not socializing well has led me to where I am now, and this will take time to adjust.

2. It all depends on yourself – Stacking on point 1, even if you tell people your troubles, it is up to yourself to seek or accept help. Whatever you want to do in life depends more and more on you as you grow older. The trivial matters all the way to things that may affect your life permanently, everything is up to you. I may have regretted certain decisions in the past, but that only makes me understand how I’m the consequence of my own actions.

3. Your limits are greater than you think – And so I realized. Phase after phase I notice how I react to certain stimuli, although learning how to deal with it always troubles me. I’ve starved myself, knowingly, although I’m still learning how to cope with it. It’s ridiculous, but for every phase of this I go through, I find that I’m stronger than I think. I will not let this sort of things break my will and I’ll definitely continue pushing through these troubles and get rid of this sort of stupid thing in the years to come.

4. Regrets are only regrets if you don’t learn from them – Probably the one thing that’s going to be difficult for me to learn ._. This pretty much applies to my studies and not really focusing on them while others are slogging their guts out there. I feel bad.

And that’s pretty much it from what I learned. Of course, there’s probably loads I missed out, but for someone who leads a rather inactive life like me, I probably have so much to explore, so much to learn out there that I haven’t realized yet.

[Music] Top 145 Songs of 2013

Top 145 songs playlist 1 [145-61]
Top 145 songs playlist 2 [60-1]
Featured songs from weekly Top 20 Countdown charts
Top 145 Songs of 2013 Charts

On the last day of 2013, everything comes to a wrap. It’s also the time where people start posting their top 100(+) songs of 2013. This year may have been a year full of controversial songs and music videos, but that doesn’t mean there hasn’t been good releases. We’ve also had many breakout artists, some of which are also featured on my personal chart of 2013.

So here it is, my top 145 songs of 2013. Enjoy! If you want, there’s two playlists for you to listen to the songs in the chart when you’re free or bored.
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