Torn

Recently, I’ve been flooded with thoughts. I’ve never had it as intense as this occurrence, whereby I’ll suddenly turn very solemn and start thinking about multiple issues.

I feel as though I’m being torn from inside. I want to ask for help, yet I find it hard to speak out the words I want to say. I don’t wish to burden anyone, yet I want to find someone who can shoulder this burden with me. Not as an intimate relationship, mind. Just a platonic one.

I can still go to sleep fine, but I seem to keep thinking of several things over, and over, and over again. It just never seems to end. I start asking myself questions like:

– Why do I exist?
– What purpose do I serve?
– Am I going to pull through the many difficulties I face currently?
– How do I go on… from here?

I question myself, with no answers. I may look cheery alright, but that has always been how I used to hide that emptiness inside.

I have few friends, probably none are very close to me. I’m supposing it’s because of the way I act and react to situations. How I attempt to resolve troubles of mine. How I don’t interact with people, because I am just that passive.

I keep seeing myself walking a road that only leads to destruction, or one that has no good end. Sometimes, I wonder why I’ve had to cope, and still am coping, with so many issues of mine. Sometimes, I would imagine the scenario if these issues never existed — perfect bliss. As if true happiness came along. But that’s just a false reality.

I know, everyone has their issues to cope with. I just find that I’m being pushed often to the limits of my troubles, trying to wiggle my way out of it, trying to not get crushed by all these sad times. I want to be a happy person, inside and out. I’m the latter, not the former.

I tell myself, “Never stop giving up, because you do not know till you try”. Then I try. I succeed, I begin to get hopeful. Then I falter when I see that my further attempts become futile. …Is it really that difficult, just to have a proper meal outside, among the crowd in the canteen?

I envy everyone who can do so. Every time I get asked to eat with them, I politely reject. It is not because I don’t want to. I do, but… I can’t. My heart sinks a little each time people ask me out to eat, whether family or friends. I find it hard to tell my family, especially, straight up I have this issue. I feel as if I’ll just be passing even more troubles to them.

I tell myself, “There’s always going to be a better tomorrow”. But to be truthful to myself, I do not see that. I procrastinate. I fall back down and question why I am trying so hard. I feel consumed by everything that happens.

All the joy… all the fun I see in college students, I don’t see in me. The only thing I see in me is a person who wishes to study, go home, and be with myself. I have lost the motivation to try to make friends, becoming completely passive.

I tear sometimes, before I sleep, because I see how sad a life I’m living. A life full of half-truths, where I cannot fully tell people what I want to say, especially to the ones closest to me. I fear rejection. I don’t want to cause hurt, but I hurt myself in the process.

How many more “next times” will there be in my life? I have missed out on almost 8 years of social activity, becoming someone who is so withdrawn.

I’m starting to see the consequences of past events that have come back to haunt me. It feels as if everything is just coming at me at once… That pain, all the heartache, all the depressing thoughts… I find it hard to shake it off. Not this time.

I won’t turn depressed, I’m sure of that. After all, music has always been there to pull me through. The many songs, the different lyrics that seem to relate to you so well. For that I am grateful, for I have found myself completely absorbed in the music, just to drown these thoughts for that short while.

So many times, as I typed this, I could feel as if tears were going to blur my vision. But I hold them back. So many times, I’ve paused while typing, thinking about every single word I’ve typed down… thinking about how pathetic of a person I am. I seem to be going nowhere, and I seem to be walking on the spot all this while.

Yes, people tell me not to worry too much, because most of these worries won’t come true. This time, it’s not the case. I don’t worry about anything. I see only a blank of what’s ahead of me, because I feel as though the path I’ll travel down will be the same as I have for the past years… yet I cringe when I think about that. I don’t want it to stay the same. I need to change, yet I don’t know how.

That feeling of being lost… being torn… have you felt it before? I know I’ve never felt it as bad as I am now, and I’m just staring blankly, trying to sort my thoughts, but it never seems to work.

As I head to bed, I wonder if I can fall asleep. I wish miracles would happen, that tomorrow, I suddenly have a normal life, eating happily with friends on the same table, no reservations. Chatting with them… feeling like I’m finally there, and not a shadow for once. But miracles don’t happen. I have to work for it. Yet it gets so hard… so many times…

To anyone who has read till this far, I thank you, and apologize for taking so much of your time, but I appreciate it. I guess all of us just need to navigate our way out of this mess one way or another sometimes without guidance, huh? I just don’t know how long more I can last, but I’ll continue treading on.

Advertisements

A Lifeless Core

So it’s almost halfway through the semester now, and things are heating up. All the work to do, all the projects and research to be done… it’s rather insane sometimes, to be honest.

I’m lacking sleep, having to rush out work and all that and am really, really looking forward to the break coming in a few days time.

Doing work on and on and on like that feels so… boring. So lifeless. Sure I like to challenge myself and answer some tough questions, but there’s only so much before boredom and worse, agony (from all the work) sets in. How I wish for a more slow paced life. Sometimes I get lost in what I’m really trying to aim for in the future. Losing sight just isn’t an option sometimes.

A Fall, A Comeback, A Lesson Learned

Hardly anyone knows I have issues eating out (as in, outside my house).

Over the years, I’ve dodged the issue. Over the years, I’ve thought it wouldn’t affect me much. Then army came, which I tried to squeeze my way out of, yet I’m eternally grateful that it gave me one of my happiest years in my life when the issue disappeared… before everything returned to square one, or degraded further the second year.

Now that I’m in college (or university, as we call it), I’ve gone through counselling sessions over the previous semester, and have learned some important lessons from it. Yet the core issue remains to be unfixed — I still can’t technically eat in front of the public eye. Something just doesn’t feel right every time I try to do so.

Then yesterday, Lunar New Year’s eve, proved to be a very, very difficult trial for me.

With how I still have zero confidence in eating out, having a reunion dinner outside just did not clicked with me, and I tried to talk my way out of it, but it failed. So I had to go to the dinner. Over the entire day prior to the dinner, I just felt worse, and worse, and worse, when I knew that I’d probably be an embarrassment during the dinner. It was an internal struggle. I looked fine outside, yet inside… was just a mess.

So came dinner, and the journey there was not any easier either, like I was pulled away from my comfort zone. With the dishes coming one by one, I just… couldn’t. Even without eating lunch, I still felt really, really full the instant I was there. I almost felt like just walking away from the dinner table, and taking a breather elsewhere, while the rest of my family ate — but that would be rude of me, especially on such an important day.

The only thing I could do was act like I was eating. Like I was chewing stuff. I knew it wasn’t going to be long before all these little actions would be seen through, but I just didn’t want to be a cause for concern to the rest of my family. I just felt like a burden.

Then, something in me just clicked. I just attempted to at least get some food in my mouth… slowly chew… swallow it down. Even though it was a little rough (I felt as though I’d throw up anytime) at the initial point, I just pushed through. The only thing I could do was go slow, holding my ground.

Yet all of that seemed like a turning point, as I advanced through the dinner, my appetite just slowly opened and I ate bigger mouthfuls of food. I even regained back the cheery side of me I always had and finally chatted comfortably. Mind, I still didn’t eat as I normally would at home, but it was a relatively decent amount of food eaten.

At first, when dinner just started, I really felt like telling my father what was going on in my life when I went home, which I knew would just wreck his day and probably make him worry even more than he needs to. But all of what I had gone through in that dinner just taught me — without trying, you wouldn’t know what the final outcome would be. And I sure am glad I tried.

For now, I’m going to hold back on telling my father about all these things, because I want to continue pushing myself. To see how far I can go. To see if I can overcome whatever it is that I have, whether I truly have it, or I’m just imagining it. I’ll continue remaining a fighter, even if it means going alone on this trial…

Sickness and Lessons

My entire day started off fine, up to the point afternoon came along, where I started to not only get gastric, but also giddiness, and loads of shivering.

In a few hours, my day went from good to an insufferable hell. All because I didn’t eat breakfast… and probably something else considering I got a bad fever and headache along with gastric…..

So after an entire afternoon spent resting, and still resting right now, I can say the biggest lesson learned was to not neglect any meals. Sigh. Worst way to start the week, ever.

Insecurity

Just saying something that I’ve observed over the past few days of being back in college – humans, or I suppose any creature, are insecure creatures. That of course includes me.

Everyone has this comfort zone, but when they are out of it, it just seems unnatural. The most common example would probably be how friends prefer to sit near or beside each other, even shifting seats from their original position just to accomplish this.

My question is: does it really matter? It’s just at most a 2 hours lecture… surely they can deal with that? Besides, sitting beside friends just spell opportunities for distractions. Loads of it.

But eh, even I do it too. Huhuhu. Guess being at the least secure is what a person seeks in life, eh?

The Simplest Form of Happiness

Went out with a few of my army mates today. Just a handful of people, but we managed to spend a few hours together. Other than just having a simple dinner, we just chatted, walked, chatted… and walked. It was great catching up with them considering how long it had been since I met with them.

Even though it was a very simple affair, sharing some experiences here and there, I just felt really happy inside. Sure we got tired from all the walking, but just being able to see faces we’ve spent a long time with again – that was what was great.

Now I do understand where people derive happiness from. Not everything is material. Some can only be derived from physical interaction. A few hours can make all the difference in a person’s mood…

Guess that’s why friends are important, eh? I’ll definitely treasure these relationships, because it’s where I found an outlet to speak my inner chaos comfortably, where I felt I was being heard, where they offered support. And for that, I sincerely thank them for everything that I’ve gone through with them thus far.

Thank you.

Clashing Minds

Sometimes it gets really tough to carry on doing what you want to do. Sometimes, you feel cornered because what you have been doing for a long time suddenly isn’t in your domain and worse, your new domain is being entered into. At points like this you feel like giving up and just letting other people handle your domain…

At least that’s how I feel today. Not the best feeling on earth but I’m trying to see it from another point, that maybe this is an opportunity for me to really take a backseat from what I’ve been doing for so long.

I take pride in my work, bit perhaps, too much pride that I have become territorial over it. I guess I have to go back to basics and consider why I began this journey in the first place, huh? Too many things to weigh, but I suppose the most important thing is for me to be able to take it in my stride and do what I love without being too bothered by actions from others.

It’s cracks like these in a team that causes issues, but I hope I can mend this crack before everything shatters around me…