Torn

Recently, I’ve been flooded with thoughts. I’ve never had it as intense as this occurrence, whereby I’ll suddenly turn very solemn and start thinking about multiple issues.

I feel as though I’m being torn from inside. I want to ask for help, yet I find it hard to speak out the words I want to say. I don’t wish to burden anyone, yet I want to find someone who can shoulder this burden with me. Not as an intimate relationship, mind. Just a platonic one.

I can still go to sleep fine, but I seem to keep thinking of several things over, and over, and over again. It just never seems to end. I start asking myself questions like:

– Why do I exist?
– What purpose do I serve?
– Am I going to pull through the many difficulties I face currently?
– How do I go on… from here?

I question myself, with no answers. I may look cheery alright, but that has always been how I used to hide that emptiness inside.

I have few friends, probably none are very close to me. I’m supposing it’s because of the way I act and react to situations. How I attempt to resolve troubles of mine. How I don’t interact with people, because I am just that passive.

I keep seeing myself walking a road that only leads to destruction, or one that has no good end. Sometimes, I wonder why I’ve had to cope, and still am coping, with so many issues of mine. Sometimes, I would imagine the scenario if these issues never existed — perfect bliss. As if true happiness came along. But that’s just a false reality.

I know, everyone has their issues to cope with. I just find that I’m being pushed often to the limits of my troubles, trying to wiggle my way out of it, trying to not get crushed by all these sad times. I want to be a happy person, inside and out. I’m the latter, not the former.

I tell myself, “Never stop giving up, because you do not know till you try”. Then I try. I succeed, I begin to get hopeful. Then I falter when I see that my further attempts become futile. …Is it really that difficult, just to have a proper meal outside, among the crowd in the canteen?

I envy everyone who can do so. Every time I get asked to eat with them, I politely reject. It is not because I don’t want to. I do, but… I can’t. My heart sinks a little each time people ask me out to eat, whether family or friends. I find it hard to tell my family, especially, straight up I have this issue. I feel as if I’ll just be passing even more troubles to them.

I tell myself, “There’s always going to be a better tomorrow”. But to be truthful to myself, I do not see that. I procrastinate. I fall back down and question why I am trying so hard. I feel consumed by everything that happens.

All the joy… all the fun I see in college students, I don’t see in me. The only thing I see in me is a person who wishes to study, go home, and be with myself. I have lost the motivation to try to make friends, becoming completely passive.

I tear sometimes, before I sleep, because I see how sad a life I’m living. A life full of half-truths, where I cannot fully tell people what I want to say, especially to the ones closest to me. I fear rejection. I don’t want to cause hurt, but I hurt myself in the process.

How many more “next times” will there be in my life? I have missed out on almost 8 years of social activity, becoming someone who is so withdrawn.

I’m starting to see the consequences of past events that have come back to haunt me. It feels as if everything is just coming at me at once… That pain, all the heartache, all the depressing thoughts… I find it hard to shake it off. Not this time.

I won’t turn depressed, I’m sure of that. After all, music has always been there to pull me through. The many songs, the different lyrics that seem to relate to you so well. For that I am grateful, for I have found myself completely absorbed in the music, just to drown these thoughts for that short while.

So many times, as I typed this, I could feel as if tears were going to blur my vision. But I hold them back. So many times, I’ve paused while typing, thinking about every single word I’ve typed down… thinking about how pathetic of a person I am. I seem to be going nowhere, and I seem to be walking on the spot all this while.

Yes, people tell me not to worry too much, because most of these worries won’t come true. This time, it’s not the case. I don’t worry about anything. I see only a blank of what’s ahead of me, because I feel as though the path I’ll travel down will be the same as I have for the past years… yet I cringe when I think about that. I don’t want it to stay the same. I need to change, yet I don’t know how.

That feeling of being lost… being torn… have you felt it before? I know I’ve never felt it as bad as I am now, and I’m just staring blankly, trying to sort my thoughts, but it never seems to work.

As I head to bed, I wonder if I can fall asleep. I wish miracles would happen, that tomorrow, I suddenly have a normal life, eating happily with friends on the same table, no reservations. Chatting with them… feeling like I’m finally there, and not a shadow for once. But miracles don’t happen. I have to work for it. Yet it gets so hard… so many times…

To anyone who has read till this far, I thank you, and apologize for taking so much of your time, but I appreciate it. I guess all of us just need to navigate our way out of this mess one way or another sometimes without guidance, huh? I just don’t know how long more I can last, but I’ll continue treading on.

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